


as long as you need to

by judypoovey



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Jyn's abandonment issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 00:15:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9466952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judypoovey/pseuds/judypoovey
Summary: Jyn has had nightmares of dark bunkers for as long as she can remember. But now, she has someone to turn to.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, there has not been enough pure Jyn & Baze love yet. It's so. It kills me.

Until Scarif, all her nightmares had been in a bunker.

She had dreamt it so many times it was burned into her memory even when she was awake. Sometimes she was six years old and clutching a Kyber necklace, breathlessly waiting for something. On a good night, that dream ended with a warm presence taking her away from dank, cold, lonely darkness.

On a bad night, the quiet lonely bunker stretched until she finally snapped away.

The warm presence had disappeared from those dreams years ago, and had been replaced by another bunker. She was sixteen, clutching a knife like she might be attacked at any moment, crying because no one was there to call her weak.

 _Why did he leave me?_ Dream Jyn would ask.

“Who?” she asked herself.

_Why did he leave me behind?_

Wasn’t she strong enough? Hadn’t she taken good care of herself? Hadn’t he promised?

After Jedha, the warmth returned.

After Jedha, she was able to remember the Saw Gerrera who had come for her fifteen years ago, in the brief snatches of sleep she had gotten between Jedha, Eadu and Scarif.

After Scarif, the bunker was a beach. She was a child trying to protect herself, a child trying to protect Bodhi and Cassian and Kaytoo and Chirrut and Baze. It was dark and cold on the beach. The light was blinding, but the warm presence that had taken her from her nightmares before wasn’t there.

She woke up with tears on her cheek, neither Cassian nor Kay in the room when she did.

They were probably on patrol. Ever since they had moved to Hoth, the rebels were on high alert.

Jyn found Cassian’s fur lined jacket and her discarded pants and dressed quickly, wiping her eyes, and slipping out of their room and walking down the hall. Before she could even knock, the door swung open to reveal a sleepy eyed Baze Malbus.

“Little sister,” he said, as if her seeking him out was a forgone conclusion.

It felt so stupid to be honest, but she felt that he knew why she was there. “I had a bad dream,” she said, feeling pathetic.

Baze pulled her into their room and shut the door, wrapping her up in a hug she hadn’t known she needed. Jyn almost sobbed as she returned the gesture.

“Where’s Chirrut?” she managed.

“He doesn’t sleep well, probably walking the base,” he said.

They stood in silence for a long moment before he spoke again. “What’s wrong?”

The dreams had been plaguing her for near fifteen years and she had never truly articulated what they meant to someone, certainly not someone who loved her, who hugged her and stroked her sleep-mussed hair and called her ‘little sister’. Fifteen years and she was finally safe, finally in a position where weakness was not death.

So Jyn, exhausted from weeks of medical test and nightmares, started to cry into Baze’s chest.

“They all _left me_ ,” she choked out, thinking of Saw’s face, thinking of her dead father and her mother with a blaster hole in her heart. “Why did they leave me behind?”

Baze didn’t seem to know exactly what to say, and Chirrut was not there to offer any wisdom. But even just saying the question aloud had released something in Jyn that she had been holding onto for so long. She had always resented Saw for leaving her and now Saw was gone. She had always longed for her father and now he was gone.

So she quietly sobbed into Baze as he gently petted her.

“They didn’t want to leave you,” he said in a halting voice.

“I know that,” she choked out, her eyes squeezed tightly. “But it’s not fair…I didn’t…” For the first time, she felt as young as she was sure Mon Mothma and Draven saw her. She had never felt it before, even as a lonely child fighting a war she didn’t yet understand.

“I think Chirrut would say that if they hadn’t left you behind, you wouldn’t be here today. Maybe that’s true, but I’m not sure it helps,” he said, holding Jyn out at arm’s length and examining her. Her eyes were red and puffy from tears she had probably been choking back for ten years, the scars from Scarif glowing in the pale light of the room.

She bit her lip and nodded, another sob ripping through.

“But I will tell you that I’ll never leave you behind,” he said, and when he said ‘I’ she knew he did not just mean himself, when he hugged her again he felt it. She remembered Cassian’s words; “welcome home”. She remembered Bodhi’s stories about her father and Chirrut’s laughter. She remembered her family.

“Do you want to stay until you’re ready to sleep?” he asked, his chin on her head. She nodded. “All right, Little Sister. Stay as long as you’d like.” He sat down on the bed and she sat beside him, thinking of all the interesting questions she could ask, all of the interesting stories he could tell, but instead of asking them, her head lolled over onto his shoulder and she fell asleep almost immediately.


End file.
